This morning began with a conversation about events in the past, not my past, just the past. Things were said that hadn't before been said. I learned somethings that I didn't know, didn't know about him. Regardless...
The past is in the past. Can't be changed or altered. It can however be transformed into some great learning experience in retrospect, though I wouldn't recommend it.
I learned something today. Something that I hadn't been able to understand until this morning...to forget the past. I have always held onto the things that have transpired in my life. Held on to them with white knuckles as if they were the fabric of my being. But for what? Seriously, it's those things that have shaped my life, yes, but life is what it is. Things happen and then things change. But there is only one "now". I am not saying we all should go out and live each day like our last. I just think that when opportunities come, we should always consider options, however new and frightening they may seem.
To know all about what you are, but know nothing of your past frightens me.
These events may have had their impact on the "now", but have moved beyond that into a place where it doesn't really matter.
I will turn my back on my past now. I have for the most part thrown away the pictures, the journals, the trinkets. I mean really turn away. Start fresh. Burn the memories.
I feel really good about this, and yet I can't explain to you what it is that I am trying so hard to share.
Anna and I (after driving all the way to her house in Livonia to pick her and her obnoxious daughter up) go my sisters house to see if she is there...before we go to the police station to file a missing persons report. Its been over 48 hours at this point, no word from her.
I pull up. His truck is parked out front and noone seems to be home. There are some kids outside at the house next door - kids like 19 or so. So I ask them if they have seen anyone around today/yesterday. They tell me they saw the guy (Matt, her boyfriend) driving her car - he came by earlier alone. They said they saw him go in the back yard. They didn't see her with him though.
So I am like "Ok, if you see her, tell her to call her sister - and tell her to mow her fucking grass." Cuz its like 10 feet tall and shit.
I get back in my truck and go to the Redford Police Department. We go to the window to talk to the officer. He first tells us that we need to file the report in Livonia because that is where she was last seen. I ask him if they can send a patrol car out to the house periodically to check and she if she returns there / or if he does in her car. They say sure. I give him the address and he says "Thats Detroit jurisdiction." Fucking awesome. I am not going to Detroit. First of all, becuase they won't care anyway - second because I have already driven all over southeast Michigan and do not want to spend any more time then I have to in the car with this kid that won't shut up and keeps playing with my window - up and down, up and down, up and down...
So...off to Livonia. Get there, talk to the officer. Give her all the info.
(sorry, very long winded story)...
The officer asks for her number, we explain that she had her phone turned off so that Matt couldn't get in touch with her now that she has left him. Soooo...I give the officer her number and she calls it, just on a whim. It answers to voicemail. NO WAY! Her phone is back on. That bitch. So we call Matts and his is back on too. So I now feel like a total jack-ass. My sister "runs away" with her abusive controlling boyfriend and here I am wasting not only my time, but the officers as well. She knew that I was pissed, so she took it all very well. She was very nice about the whole thing. We finish up the details, pretty sure now that she is fine, but still...whatever.
We are driving away-barely out of the parking lot and Annas cell rings...Guess WHO?!
(This is after the officer left her messages telling her that we are there filing missing persons report and to please call because we are worried sick.)
She gives Anna some bullshit story about how she and Matt went and got a hotel room for the last 2 days -one with no phone. (YEAH THE FUCK RIGHT!! I mean come on...you have 2 days to come up with at least a decent excuse and that was the best you could come up with?!) Anna says, "you sister is right here with me, you want to talk to her." Without skipping a beat, I said "I don't want to talk to her." Anna didn't know what to say to me. I was so fucking pissed. They made some small talk about my sister coming by to get her things from Anna's and they got off the phone. Fuck that stupid bitch. (I know this sounds a little harsh, but come on...put yourself in a dangerous situation, and then completely leave the people who love you and care about you hanging, wondering if you are even alive?!)
She has absolutely no regard for anyones feelings but her own - completely no idea what she does to the people who care about her.
There are payphones on almost every street corner. There are phones in hotel lobbies, at the front desk...she could have called collect for all I care. But how the fuck can she justify not telling anyone that she is ok. How can you leave with a man that you were afraid to even talk to about your relationship being over and disappear for days after saying that you would be right back?! Fuck. I could choke her right now.
I was very close to driving back to the police station and asking them to lock me up so I wouldn't find her and kill her myself. (raw humor)
I am done. I completely wash my hands of this girl. I fucking quit. Quote me on that all you want, and feel free to remind me should I ever forget what I said. Its over. I have no sister now as far as I am concerned. I don't need this in my life.
I want to just curl into the fetal position and cry...*sniff, sniff*
(then get up and break something)
Oh...so what I was getting at is that it is now after midnight and been well over 24 hours since we have heard from her. So what now? Anna is asking me if she should call the police. I have no idea what to do.
Trying to detach myself - its just so hard not to be totally afraid for her.
I don't know whether to be completely pissed off or hysterical and searching for her.
Here is the LONG story:
I get a message on my voicemail at work on Tuesday...
"Hey Jess, it's me, you know...your sister, remember me? I haven't talked to you in forever. I just wanted to see how you are doing...so uh, if you feel like it...give me a call. My work number is [blah blah blah] in case you forgot it. I miss you. I just wanted to know if you hate me or something. I had this dream that you hated me. So uh, give me a call...if you want...uh, bye."
I considered her track record - first comes the phone call with the guilt trip, then the bomb drops that usually begins with "I need [fill in the blank]".
I decided that I wouldn't rush to call her back. Maybe in a week or two.
Two days later, another voicemail:
"Hey, its me. Remember me, your sister?" She always starts out the messages that way.
"I'm just calling to see how you are doing. Hey...uh...call me on Anna's cell phone...number is [blah, blah, blah]. Uh, yeah, call me tonight or something or I will try you again later at home. Uh...I miss you. Call me. Uh, I love you. Bye."
Ok, so it is quite obvious that something is going on. SO...I leave the number at work, so that I don't feel inclined to call. Problem is, I wrote it down on my desk pad. So the little trail of numbers was staring at me all day long. So I caved. I called Anna and asked her what the hell is going on.
Turns out that she has FINALLY left her good-for-nothing-free-loading-poor-excus
Ok, so the day goes on...no word from my sister. Anna gets off work at 5 and drives by their house. No one home, no car, no evidence of anyone being there. She knocked on the door, no answer. I have no idea where she could be, nor why the hell she would just disappear. I am terrified/angry/feeling helpless all at the same time.
Keep trying to tell myself that she is a big girl, she can take care of herself. I keep hoping that she hasn't changed - that this is her being irresponsible and not calling, not that something terrible has happened.
Again my heart sits in a puddle, bleeding in a mess of its own excrement.
Its never good for long, is it?
When does it make sense and follow through, and last forever? When can it be savored and nurtured? I am so completely tired of knowing its a sure thing this time and falling flat on my face and realizing that its my own shoe laces that are woven through each other at my own hand causing me to trip and lie, curled up in myself in a heap in the middle of nowhere with no direction, no clue that this would end up this way today.
I just want to be loved. That shouldn't be too much to ask.
It hurts so bad that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just want to die.
When you spend almost a year working towards something that you want so badly, only to watch it desintegrate in an instant, it makes you ponder the meaning of existence itself. What the fuck am I working towards anyway?
I guess it has been some time since I have blessed you with my drunken ramblings...time to catch up. See I have spent the last year working towards becoming something more then what I have been - that whole "what I have become" person that I used to talk so much about. I have accomplished alot I think, all in all. But there was this one person that came into my life who held my hand and walked me through it step by step. He showed me alot, but then again, maybe alot of it was just his opinion, fine...but still it made me see another side to "people", another side of myself that I hadn't noticed before.
Today I realized that it doesn't really matter...anything that is. Nothing really matters. Because everything is temporary - relationships, trust, agreements, words, situations, etc. Things are always changing. No two people stay the same, or become indefinitely predictable. Life is just an evolving cause and effect, all based on a big "maybe". I hate "maybe". I hate uncertainty and going at it with blinders. I also hate hang up calls and harsh words. I hate back handed comments and unsettled arguments. I hate open endings and leaving the door unlocked.
Oh forget it.
"I sometimes want to die"
I am obsessed with saving the world. Tonight for example...
I did some shopping tonight. I rushed through the store, throwing things into my cart. I was trying to make sure all was perfect and that each item was special and appropriate for its purpose. Though pressed for time, I wandered out to my car before checking out at an unnamed department store, abandoning my cart with a woman in red, just to grab all of the change I have in my truck so that I wouldn't have to walk past the little red bucket without doing my part to help the needy and less fortunate then I.
Then I proceeded to the checkout and spent far more then I had available in my checking account on an office holiday party in an effort to boost the spirits of my recently crushed employer who I feel really deserves a special day in light of all that has transpired in the last week at work.
If this was not enough, I passed the car retrieval expert on my way to my vehicle and felt an unnecessary need to return my cart to the store since he had just finished clearing the parking lot of abandoned carts.
I then had to again tell the lady ringing the bell "Merry Christmas" and run to my truck so that I could return home for my evening plans, which were fast approaching. Upon arrival, I park in the furthest parking space, so that the older and less-able inhabitants could access our building at ease.
I do my part in giving to the less fortunate</>.
I do the cart retrieval guy a favor.
I spread some holiday cheer and put a smile on the frozen face of the one who rings the bell in below zero temperatures.
I participate in the attempt to make it clear to my employer that all is not lost after all.
And I arrive home late and miss a chance at what was planned to be a wonderful evening.
But, I am one step closer. At this rate, the world might just be saved by the year 7680. My relationship on the other hand...unless I find a way to approach the punctuality issue, we are doomed.